on being bipolar, or how cycling saved my life

to be honest, the title of this post isn't really far off the mark.  i've been toying with this blog post since the end of july 2011.  the only reason i have been trigger shy, is because it's very personal.  even now, trying to sort my thoughts, because i have so much to say seems difficult.  might as well start at the beginning i suppose.  this is only my personal story, so please don't compare it to anyone else's you may know.  i have been luckier than most when it has come to dealing with bipolar.

starting around the age of 19 and my first year of college, i suffered my first major depressive episode.  nothing gave me hope, and i tried to OD.  i got some charcoal in my tummy, and somehow convinced the doctors to not commit me that night.  within a week though, i was in a psych ward and back in it 2 weeks later.  psych wards are a weird place.  despite the air of depression, it provides a controlled environment to receive medication and sort out whatever is bothering you.  i sort of felt like a little kid, going to art therapy or playing a board game with whomever visited me.  little did i know, i'd be making a trip back 11 years later.

to avoid making a super long post, i am just going to sum up my 20's.  most of it, especially 20-25 was a major blur of depression, partying, feeling on top of the world, alcohol, drugs, and being an underground socialite.  i went to raves, but i was never a raver as most of the internet knows it.  i was a house head.  music was my church.  the best compliment i've ever received was at one of my best friend's birthday/new years eve party.  a girl came up to me to praise my dancing style.  she said she used to always watch me when i danced at an old party (fever) in baltimore.   she loved the way i danced so copied my style, a pretty huge compliment.  so i guess all that partying paid off, but i have also gained so many lasting friendships from those years.  

my 20's were a tumultuous period for sure.  many relationships, friendships, passions.  nothing ever seemed to stick, except for the friendships.  i wasn't right mentally.  i saw psychiatrists on and off.  got some sort of benzo and antidepressant concoction, heard that i was clinically depressed, and took my medications.  i would take them for awhile and then feel too wonderful, and then i went off of them.  hindsight is definitely 20/20, and frankly, my behavior and cycles of depression and elation were not normal.  i really wish i knew then what i know now.

i broke my foot one spring at work.  it was pretty simple, a box fell on it and broke the third metatarsal.  i didn't even realize i broke it!  i attempted to go running that night and walked on it for two weeks, before finally going to the emergency room.  i got a sweet hard cast, and no, i didn't allow anyone to sign it.  i ended up gaining a few pounds from being so inactive for a few weeks.  when the cast finally came off, i decided to dust off my old mountain bike, as i wasn't allowed to run quite yet.  i also took up swimming again.  i quickly became addicted to both.  i forgot how much i loved cycling and swimming after so many years of partying and depression.  i decided i wanted to do a triathlon.  i bought my first road bike, and one of my biggest purchases to date.  i ended up going with a 2008 specialized ruby elite.   i learned all i could about fixing my bike thanks to an ex who was a mechanic.  he also helped me train, as we would often ride together. i learned quickly with some other patient male friends and my brother.  i absolutely loved cycling.  

after september of 2009, i fell in to another deep depression.  elation to depression was the cycle i constantly dealt with.  it was exhausting and taxing.  in september of 2010, i changed careers.  at 30, i felt like i was finally "getting my life together".   i never went without and relied on myself, but i felt that the career change was what i needed.  i am lucky, i found a wonderful place to work.

in july of 2011, i found myself in a horrible state.  i was barely keeping it together.  life was, wake up in a panic, throw up, get it together for work, come home and drink until i could fall asleep.  i've experienced horrible anxiety throughout the years, but nothing like this.  my mind raced, my speech was fast, something i had grown accustomed to, but this was different.  i was at my wit's end and suicidal, because i just couldn't "come down".  i called out of work for the day, and decided i had to check myself in at the psych ward.  i was afraid, i would end up killing myself otherwise.  i went to sibley hospital, chain smoking the whole time.  i also drank a large bottle of wine that morning.  by 11am, i was in the emergency room and sending out texts to friends to let them know.  after a few hours, i was admitted upstairs to the psych ward.  oh my old friend, how i missed you.  not much had changed in the 11 years i had last been there.   

the first day or two is always awkward when hospitalized.  you feel even worse, like a failure.  it's also hard to be around other people who are just as bad or worse off than you.  eventually, you end up making friends.  the nurses encourage you to eat.  it slowly gets better in the week you are there.  my psychiatrist was a godsend.  off the bat, she diagnosed me with bipolar 2, since i was in a hypomanic state upon admittance.  i was awoken to vitamin b shots in my hip every morning, and ingested a whole slew of pills, including the old stand by lithium.  now, i am resigned to taking a ton of pills everyday for the rest of my life.  after 2 years of trying out meds and few relapses in to depression and hypomania, i've finally found the perfect cocktail of drugs (for now).  

so how does biking relate to my story?  it gave me hope and sanity.   i finally found a hobby that i loved and was good for me.  recently, i've added weight lifting as well.  it's nice to see progress and feel myself get even stronger.  thanks to years of cycling, my legs are my true strength.   life is just better on the bike.  it's a sport i love, and one that i love to follow.  it gave me hope when i had little.  even today, when my mood is off, i can always count on my bike to improve it.  i can never discount my meds and will take them for the rest of my life.  but the best part of all this?  i will always have cycling and my bikes to help keep me sane.

national suicide prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)