time for a panda break

with all that has been going on in dc lately, here's the baby panda wiggling and squirming in her mama's arms!



here's a bonus shot of mama holding her baby i took when panda cam wasn't down because of sequestration,

enjoy!  i can't wait for the panda to make her debut!

on being bipolar, or how cycling saved my life

to be honest, the title of this post isn't really far off the mark.  i've been toying with this blog post since the end of july 2011.  the only reason i have been trigger shy, is because it's very personal.  even now, trying to sort my thoughts, because i have so much to say seems difficult.  might as well start at the beginning i suppose.  this is only my personal story, so please don't compare it to anyone else's you may know.  i have been luckier than most when it has come to dealing with bipolar.

starting around the age of 19 and my first year of college, i suffered my first major depressive episode.  nothing gave me hope, and i tried to OD.  i got some charcoal in my tummy, and somehow convinced the doctors to not commit me that night.  within a week though, i was in a psych ward and back in it 2 weeks later.  psych wards are a weird place.  despite the air of depression, it provides a controlled environment to receive medication and sort out whatever is bothering you.  i sort of felt like a little kid, going to art therapy or playing a board game with whomever visited me.  little did i know, i'd be making a trip back 11 years later.

to avoid making a super long post, i am just going to sum up my 20's.  most of it, especially 20-25 was a major blur of depression, partying, feeling on top of the world, alcohol, drugs, and being an underground socialite.  i went to raves, but i was never a raver as most of the internet knows it.  i was a house head.  music was my church.  the best compliment i've ever received was at one of my best friend's birthday/new years eve party.  a girl came up to me to praise my dancing style.  she said she used to always watch me when i danced at an old party (fever) in baltimore.   she loved the way i danced so copied my style, a pretty huge compliment.  so i guess all that partying paid off, but i have also gained so many lasting friendships from those years.  

my 20's were a tumultuous period for sure.  many relationships, friendships, passions.  nothing ever seemed to stick, except for the friendships.  i wasn't right mentally.  i saw psychiatrists on and off.  got some sort of benzo and antidepressant concoction, heard that i was clinically depressed, and took my medications.  i would take them for awhile and then feel too wonderful, and then i went off of them.  hindsight is definitely 20/20, and frankly, my behavior and cycles of depression and elation were not normal.  i really wish i knew then what i know now.

i broke my foot one spring at work.  it was pretty simple, a box fell on it and broke the third metatarsal.  i didn't even realize i broke it!  i attempted to go running that night and walked on it for two weeks, before finally going to the emergency room.  i got a sweet hard cast, and no, i didn't allow anyone to sign it.  i ended up gaining a few pounds from being so inactive for a few weeks.  when the cast finally came off, i decided to dust off my old mountain bike, as i wasn't allowed to run quite yet.  i also took up swimming again.  i quickly became addicted to both.  i forgot how much i loved cycling and swimming after so many years of partying and depression.  i decided i wanted to do a triathlon.  i bought my first road bike, and one of my biggest purchases to date.  i ended up going with a 2008 specialized ruby elite.   i learned all i could about fixing my bike thanks to an ex who was a mechanic.  he also helped me train, as we would often ride together. i learned quickly with some other patient male friends and my brother.  i absolutely loved cycling.  

after september of 2009, i fell in to another deep depression.  elation to depression was the cycle i constantly dealt with.  it was exhausting and taxing.  in september of 2010, i changed careers.  at 30, i felt like i was finally "getting my life together".   i never went without and relied on myself, but i felt that the career change was what i needed.  i am lucky, i found a wonderful place to work.

in july of 2011, i found myself in a horrible state.  i was barely keeping it together.  life was, wake up in a panic, throw up, get it together for work, come home and drink until i could fall asleep.  i've experienced horrible anxiety throughout the years, but nothing like this.  my mind raced, my speech was fast, something i had grown accustomed to, but this was different.  i was at my wit's end and suicidal, because i just couldn't "come down".  i called out of work for the day, and decided i had to check myself in at the psych ward.  i was afraid, i would end up killing myself otherwise.  i went to sibley hospital, chain smoking the whole time.  i also drank a large bottle of wine that morning.  by 11am, i was in the emergency room and sending out texts to friends to let them know.  after a few hours, i was admitted upstairs to the psych ward.  oh my old friend, how i missed you.  not much had changed in the 11 years i had last been there.   

the first day or two is always awkward when hospitalized.  you feel even worse, like a failure.  it's also hard to be around other people who are just as bad or worse off than you.  eventually, you end up making friends.  the nurses encourage you to eat.  it slowly gets better in the week you are there.  my psychiatrist was a godsend.  off the bat, she diagnosed me with bipolar 2, since i was in a hypomanic state upon admittance.  i was awoken to vitamin b shots in my hip every morning, and ingested a whole slew of pills, including the old stand by lithium.  now, i am resigned to taking a ton of pills everyday for the rest of my life.  after 2 years of trying out meds and few relapses in to depression and hypomania, i've finally found the perfect cocktail of drugs (for now).  

so how does biking relate to my story?  it gave me hope and sanity.   i finally found a hobby that i loved and was good for me.  recently, i've added weight lifting as well.  it's nice to see progress and feel myself get even stronger.  thanks to years of cycling, my legs are my true strength.   life is just better on the bike.  it's a sport i love, and one that i love to follow.  it gave me hope when i had little.  even today, when my mood is off, i can always count on my bike to improve it.  i can never discount my meds and will take them for the rest of my life.  but the best part of all this?  i will always have cycling and my bikes to help keep me sane.

national suicide prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

keirin in japan!

i visited japan again for the first time in three years.  i was soo excited to visit this time, as i was going alone and it was the end of a long busy season at work.   my brother has lived in northern japan (hachinohe, aomori prefecture) for over ten years.  i couldn't wait to see my super kawaii (cute) niece and super cool nephew.
first though, i had to plan my trip.  i bought my airplane ticket on a whim in january.  i found a great deal via singapore airlines.  seemed cool enough, and i didn't mind a layover, as i find the direct flights from dulles to narita a bit irritating.  there is just something about sitting in a tube in the sky for 16+ hours.  let's not kid ourselves though, no matter the flight length, xanax and bloody mary's make them more tolerable.  i was soo busy at work for two months, that my planning fell within two weeks of me leaving for tokyo.    one thing was for sure, i had to see a keirin race, and there were none scheduled for my 3 days in tokyo, before i headed up north. 
i desperately emailed my brother and sister in law.  japanese websites translate inconsistently, and i was lucky if i clicked the right links to find a calendar.  i figured out that the takichawa velodrome had nothing going on with help from the guys at tokyo cycling club, but there was still another one in tokyo and the aomori velodrome, a two hour drive from my brother's house.  thankfully my sister in law works at the local high school that is known for it's sports programs.  the cycling coach there steered us to the aomori velodrome that was having a large race my second week in japan.  i couldn't contain myself.  even though, that was two days before i left japan, it couldn't happen sooner.
of course, i did some other things.  i went to the studio ghibli museum while in tokyo, and i went to the calico cat cafe!  it was awesome!  a friend of mine and i spent the day exploring kichijoji and drinking beer.  there are no open container laws in japan.  i couldn't help but laugh as we sat in the bank exchanging my dollars for yen with a tall boy of kirin each.  we then went and had more beers at iseya, a yakitori bar that has been there since 1928.  to be honest, i don't think it has been cleaned since 1928, but a great spot for chain smoking, japanese beer (and hoppy!), chicken on a stick, and hilarious conversation.  finally, my friend's wife joined us around 5, and we went to a dinner serving okinawa type cuisine.  we talked and laughed some more, while imbibing in too much shochu.  i must admit, i remember saying goodbye and walking to my hotel across the street.  how i got in to my room is a mystery for the ages.  the next day, i toured tokyo and made my way to tokyo station to catch my shinkansen to hachinohe.  i took in the beautiful japanese countryside and napped off the previous day's debauchery.
i was met at the train station by my brother and his family.  my nephew ran up to me, screaming my name as i was barely off the escalator!  i scooped him up and my 40lbs of luggage and kept us moving out of the trail of people behind me.  it was great to be with my brother and his family.  i hadn't seen my niece since she was just a big, fat baby and my nephew i saw briefly a year ago.  we had a blast hanging out, playing, shopping, and checking out the hirosaki cherry blossom festival over the weekend.
finally, the second week came and wednesday arrived.  my niece woke up with an ear infection, which delayed us leaving for aomori by a few hours, as we dropped her off with her grandparents and other aunt.  so, my sister in law, john, and i left for aomori with a day of keirin ahead of us!  we finally arrived two hours later to the velodrome.  i was soo excited.  i told my sister in law about keirin, and it's traditions.  stuff, that even she wasn't aware of.   keirin exemplifies deep japanese culture.  it's state sponsored gambling, like sumo wrestling and horse racing.  for instance, the popular pachinko parlors, while in essence are like a casino, you are only awarded funny chips and prizes.  conveniently, there will be a house nearby where you can exchange your winnings for actual money.   the keirin track can best be compared to horse racing on bikes.  there are odds, rider history, betting tickets, betting windows, and men standing there watching the monitors.  i was the only gaijin, one of about 10 women, and the youngest by about 40 years.  needless to say, everyone seemed to stare at me and wonder what the hell i was doing there.
i picked up my newspapers, betting slips, and pencil.  i asked my sister in law for help translating the japanese.  she is japanese and was confused about how the riders were rank, their odds, etc.  so, i decided not to bet and just enjoy the races.  we bet amongst ourselves and would all pick a color.  my five year old nephew was best at this.  after, i questioned why i didn't just use his pick!  we listened to the count down song 3 minutes until betting closed.  we got all excited when we could see the riders down below on their way to the surface.  they walked their bikes, stopping to bow to the keirin flag girls, mounting their bikes and then putting them in their gates.  they bowed to the crowd, and my nephew and i bowed back.  we waved and yelled at them.  i was soo giddy.  as soon as the gun went off, we sat there yelling our color we wanted to win.  the average 70 year old spectator stared at us in curiousity, since we weren't there to bet.  it was amazing to see them on their last lap and a half.  their speed was mind blowing, the buzzing of their bikes and them yelling at each other.   i never wanted the race to end, but alas they did.  all the men in the crowd gave their shouts of disappointment at their pick.  the scene would then repeat another 15 minutes later after every one had their time to place their next bets.

if you are ever in japan, seek out a keirin race!  you will be amazed at the tradition and beauty!  until that time, check out this brilliant 8 minute documentary by jonathan de villiers.  it will give you a better insight in to keirin. 

two things i love!

cycling and football.   by the way, my fantasy football team has made it to the playoffs!  team pedalphile is hoping for a first or second place finish, and i have to no shame to admit it's for the money.  i hope to have a win this weekend to make the finals next weekend.  who would want anything less?  not this girl, that's for sure!   keep your toes crossed for me!  :)


*update* i made it to the finals!  wish me luck this weekend!!!!

*update 2* second place.  not bad for my first try at this and i'm $80 richer. 

mountain biking!

i headed up to pittsburgh this past weekend with my friend tom to do the punk bike enduro, a fun mountain bike stage race.  seemed easy enough, right?  admittedly, i was a bit nervous, as i have never really mountain biked before and i wasn't exactly sure what i was getting myself in to. well, i certainly found out sunday.  lesson learned, mountain biking is hard!
i didn't really have the skills or knowledge on how to handle my bike.  i learned that quickly in either the first or second stage.  while attempting to go down the single track, i hit something.  i flipped over my handlebars, yelled "oh shit" and then laid there whimpering with my bike on my back.  ouch.  thankfully tom heard my whimpers and when i didn't get up right away, he grabbed the 25lb bike off my back.  hey!  thanks guy!  it was really too cold out (snow!) to feel the pain except for the wind being knocked out of me.  it wasn't until later would i realize how badly i hurt and would debate which was worse, road rash or eating dirt.  i decided then i was pretty happy that i made the decision to stick with the platform pedals and not borrow shoes and pedals from our awesome hostess eryn! 
ok, soo maybe i wasn't cut out for mountain biking.  i mean, everyone made it look soo easy!  i am used to pavement, where i don't have to contend with snow, mud, tree branches, AND rocks!!!  what the hell?  it didn't help with below freezing temperatures and mud as by stage 6, my rear derailleur was no longer shifting.  cool, i am now rocking a single speed.  i think anyone who wasn't riding a single speed encountered the same problem.  so there were 12 stages.  by stage 6, i was cold and my bones had started to hurt from my crash.  the beer a guy offered me helped to warm me up a bit.  i decided against grabbing any beer from the kegs stashed in the woods earlier, because sobriety was probably a wise decision after my fall.  all in all, i think i walked my bike more than i rode it, but i had a blast!  i really like mountain biking and the people who come with it.  they don't seemed as concern with matching kits and carbon.  i am now rocking some pretty vicious bruises, and it's hurt to laugh and cough all week thanks to bruised ribs.  maybe by next year i will have the mad skillz to actually finish!  until then, i am going to find some mountain bike bunny slopes to hit!  :)

p.s.  if you are ever in pittsburgh, check out the otb bicycle cafe.  great spot!

p.p.s. check out simon lamb's post over at la gazzetta della bici.  thanks simon!  :)

tis the season...

is everyone's tummy full of turkey?  i hope you had a good holiday weekend!  i am going to take another break from babbling on about cycling to talk about something amazing that happened to me this weekend.  so sit back and relax for a moment, because i can tell you were on the edge of your seat.
saturday night started innocent enough.  i went over to my friends' apartment to celebrate a birthday.  good food, some libations and funny conversation were to be had.  unfortunately, i was with my twin sister, whom from this day forward, we shall refer to as satan.   sorry if satan didn't think a get together was enough for a saturday night and decided we needed to go balls to the wall.  well dang, i don't have a car (zipcar when i need it!) and all the bikes were sleeping at home.  satan decides to meet up with some other friends at a bar in bethesda.  awesome!  the exact opposite of what i like to do with my time on  a weekend night.  if you know me, then you know i prefer a dive bar, a show, listening to house music, at the very least, somewhere within bike/walk/stumble distance to my apartment in the city.  i decided to make the best of a crappy situation the best i could.  the decision was made, it was time to get wasted.  so i threw back some adult beverages and got sleepy.  i asked my sister for her car keys, went to her car and went to bed.  you know, it was like 1am or something.  don't judge me man, little did i know i was coming down with a cold and needed that sleep.  satan and her friends were in party-mode that night and i was in sleep mode.   so they dragged me around and i curled up where i could to get that essential beauty rest.  fast forward to 5am when i figure out that my wallet is missing.  panic sets in and some expletives are said.  i am pretty upset with myself for being so careless.  i should have ordered a coffee instead of another shot.  ugh.
why hello sunday morning, it should be nice to see you, but i am upset.  waaaaaaaa!!!  how could i lose my wallet?  license, bank cards, metro card, gym card, insurance card, you know, the things you keep in your wallet!  waaaaaaaaaa!!!!  i go online to check my account, interesting, my accounts haven't been touched.  hrmmm...  maybe my wallet is just hiding in my sister's car?  i go search to no avail. waaaaaaa!!!  i am sleepy, depressed and all that jazz.   top it off with both my fantasy football team and my redskins losing.  sigh...  sunday night comes and my accounts still haven't been touched.  i tell a girlfriend that for some reason i have a strange feeling i will find my wallet.   just to be safe, i finally decide to cancel my cards and off to bed i go.
in the morning i wake up and check my email like most of the world.  why...what the heck is this?  i get an email, "did you recently lose your wallet?  if so, can you describe it and confirm your birth date?"  what??!?!?!  huh?!?!?  i furiously type the description, my birth date and some other aspects of my wallet, hit send, and wait.   maybe i need some coffee, maybe i am still asleep and this is all a dream.  i get to work, open my email, and wait for a reply.   around 10:30 i get a message back.  "hi mary,  yes, i found your wallet".  it seems that at some point during saturday's debauchery my wallet fell on the ground and a good samaritan found it.  he went through the trouble of googling my name and stumbled upon my google profile.  wow, just wow.  the luck of it all!  i met up with him monday night and was reunited my wallet.  i picked up a little gift card for him to show him my gratitude.  he refused to take it.  he told me that he had lost his wallet and someone had taken the time to find him.  he had to pay it forward.   i will too.  it doesn't have to be a wallet, just anything.  it doesn't have to be the christmas season, it can be any time of the year.  pay it forward.  :)

fall city riding

even our four legged friends like bike rides!  say hello to the coolest chorkie in the world, sophie!   i should invent pooch helmets.  where would her ears go though?!?!

oh contador!!!!

with all the lovely pictures of el pistolero, why did i choose this one?  well, because after learning the news of contador's supposed doping, i quickly posted on a kiwi friend in japan's facebook page about the news.  his response?  "oh shit! oh well he was on lance's team, what do they expect?"  i might have literally LOL-ed.
i have never really liked lance armstrong.  he always came across as a douche bag, and i never appreciated his run through women.  now, i know i shouldn't judge one's personal life, but damn, your first wife gave you children and stood by you while you had cancer.  way to give her the finger in the end.  ugh... and frankly, i found the fact that he creates a twitter page for his yet unborn child highly annoying.  seriously dude?  i thought i was insane for making a page for the coolest chorkie in the world.  stay retired, drink your cold beers, sell yellow rubber bands and hang around austin.  i find you annoying.
ok, enough ranting about armstrong, back to contador.  soooo, his urine test came back a few micrograms positive for clenbuterol.   ummmm, the best part?  he blames it on bad meat.   wtf dude?!?!?!?!  that's the best you could come up?  can you tell me where you found asthmatic, needs to lose a few pounds, cow meat?  i'd love to find it.  i could breath better and drop a few pounds, all the while not spewing obscenities while climbing a little hill.   i figured his pr people would have at least come up with an excuse that he suffered from a bout of bronchitis during the tour, hence his only 36 second win to my boo andy schleck.  btw, andy, if you are reading, i still love you and my offer for marriage is still on the table.
in the end, i really hope this is all some major mishap and contador is innocent.  not sure cycling fans can take another blow of a doping scandal.  glad you guys don't watch baseball!

r.i.p. laurent fignon

he died at 50 years young from cancer on august 31st.                                                                               

this is about right...

me too...

i got a wheel!!

woohoo! a very dear friend sent me a bike wheel the other day. as previously mentioned, i cracked the crappy wheel that came on my motobecane fantom cross uno. yup, still trying to figure that one out. well, it was a beautiful blue mavic cosmos, which after some research i found out is no longer being produced. now, i've put some time in to my road bike and a crash or two, ouch. plus, i live in the pothole capital of the world known as dc. the mavic open sport front wheel is in need of a truing, so i switched out the wheels. the murrrcycle deserves the nicer, albeit slightly heavier wheel. pfffttt, we are talking grams here people, i can't really tell the difference! i hate changing bike tires, but i've gotten quick! well, once i can pull that damn tire off the rim. thanks tire lever for saving my nails! the new wheel came perfectly true, and i got some strange looks walking home from work with a bike wheel in my hand. hey, it would have been better than dragging home the box that was pretty much the size of me. so my bikes are now both happy. can you see them giving each other googly eyes in the pic?? :) the best part? i am back to biking around the city and locking up my bar bike without a care in the world!!

fantasy vuelta!

so the vuelta a espana starts this saturday, august 28th. i can sense your excitement just as much as mine! it's the last big stage race of the summer. it's kind of bittersweet for me though. it's like that famous t.s. eliot quote, "this is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper." the vuelta is my least favorite big summer stage race. i love the giro and le tour! there is something about it that seems soo anti-climatic to me, and i am not sure why. maybe i should talk about it with a therapist, and please don't hate me you vuelta lovers!!! :)

ok, i am excited! why? because it's time for me to kick some butt in my fantasy cycling league. i am still riding high off my 35th placing in my tour de france league hosted by the wonderful simon lamb at his blog, la gazzetta della bici. so he decided to move the vuelta fantasy league to road.cc. i think there are some more prizes. it's cool, i fully expect to claim those prizes as the bootyhouse team has been rising steady ever since the giro! in fact, both times i kicked simon's butt. i don't expect my amazing team to do any different for this year's vuelta. so simon, i am looking at my vintage campagnolo water bottle where it belongs, on MY bike! you can send me some delicious british chocolate when i win! :)

twitter

i love it! i have noticed a lot of people really don't understand it. i have met some awesome people on twitter! i won't mention them here, only to keep their privacy somewhat private. i love meeting anyone willing to talk about not only experiences on the bike, but the sport itself. let's talk about fixing our own bike problems, our favorite rider, and our problems on our own bikes. let's talk shit about our favorite riders and our favorite teams. i know i catch a lot of flack for having unconditional love for garmin transitions. yup, despite my tweets of millar time and my love of dave zabriskie; i don't really know why i love them. maybe it's the argyle, maybe it's the felt bike despite the fact i don't own one. i may be in love with their track bikes! speaking of track, i am going to daydream of keirin!

my new bike!

ahhh, so i pulled the trigger on the motobecane fantom cross uno, a single speed/fixed cyclocross bike. i got a great deal on it from bikes direct thanks to their mislabeling the seat tube. now, don't get me wrong, i love the murrrcycle (my specialized ruby elite), but frankly locking up a $2200 carbon frame bike outside bars in the city make me nervous. my new baby has a steel frame and is a work horse! it came with a dual hub, which i quickly converted to single speed. that made more sense to me as a road cyclist. i was pretty proud of myself for assembling it all by myself, but had to call in some reinforcements to help tension/align my breaks. wasn't exactly use to the avid shorty 4 break system, and assembling it with little upper body strength and no bike stand proved to be a bit of a challenge. my baby is ready to ride. i've taken it out on a few quick jaunts around dc so far. i love the fact that the hills are harder (good, i needed to strengthen my thighs), but the downhills are soo much fun. i've noticed on flat surfaces i can get my baby moving and keep up with traffic. now, i just need a clever name for my baby. any ideas? it's a black frame, red/grey lettering, and a bad ass bike all around. i was thinking black beauty or the uno. after a few more rides, it will come to me. until then...i'll see you on the bike!!